Erotica from Penthouse by Marco Vassi

Author:Marco Vassi [PENTHOUSE]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FIC005000
ISBN: 9780446551229
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2008-11-15T05:00:00+00:00

FEAR OF LESBIANISM

By Marcy Seeger

I no longer remember why she was stripping, outside, late at night, on the quiet street near the parking lot; only that she was. I held her clothes, watched her raise her arras under the streetlight, shake herself and say how good it felt to be naked. Shyly, I stood there and let her taunt me.

Over a year before we had gotten drunk together on the stairs of my lover's apartment. Mark was hosting a Christmas party and Annie and I, still strangers, wound up with a gallon jug of wine and each other. We sat close together, brushing shoulders, laughing as the conversation turned into mist. Through the alcohol I saw that she was beautiful in an antique way, with mellow skin, large eyes with perfectly symmetrical brows and a long, aquiline nose. Her body was slender but wide-boned and full.

She got sick that night and we spent the early morning hours sitting on the bathroom floor. Annie leaned over the toilet and I stroked her back and whispered to her. With Mark's help, I put her to bed in the spare room. She kept whispering, “Thank you, thank you” and, still drunk, turned on her side toward the wall. I covered her with a blanket and went to my lover's bed.

We were juniors that year at a small school in New England. Three years earlier I had fled a conservative high-school for a college campus that boasted a large gay minority and a strong feminist community. I met my first gays and my first feminists and began to embrace the thinking of die latter.

As a young straight woman, feminism presented me with real problems. I had always been saddened by my relationships with men, including those with my father and my brothers. I felt weak with them. And behind the as-yet-unnamed feeling of vacancy I had when I was with a man, I was angry. My freshman year was full of slow realizations about my and all women's lack of freedom. I saw that women had always been forced to choose compromising affiliations with men, whether husband, lover or boss, that put us into competition with each other. To fight our own oppression, to emerge from the very sorrowful, frightened and angry solitude in which we found ourselves, we had to find each other. Salvation lay in other women. Thus, we no longer wanted to say to women friends that they were secondary to male lovers. In philosophy, even in reality, women came first.

But love and sex were not so neatly packaged. As long as men provided me my sex life, I would give greater importance to them even though they were the source of the problem. But how could I, how could I still date, fuck and fall in love with them? With women I was strong and honest. Why wasn't I able to make the leap from emotional to physical intimacy with women? Why couldn't I really love them, why couldn't I sleep with them?

To be honest, I didn't berate myself with these questions.

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